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  • ONLINE SEX WORK GUIDE

    ONLINE SEX WORK GUIDE

    THIS GUIDE IS GOING TO COVER BRANDING, CAMMING, PHONE SEX, CONTENT SALES AND PAYMENT PROCESSORS.

    INTRODUCTION

    BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO GET INTO SEX WORK, YOU SHOULD THINK DEEPLY ABOUT HOW THIS IS GOING TO IMPACT YOUR LIFE IN THE LONGTERM. YOU SHOULD DITCH ANY ILLUSIONS OF BEING ABLE TO DO THIS WITHOUT BEING FOUND OUT BY PEOPLE YOU KNOW. WEIGH THE CONS OF BEING A SEX WORKER THAT CAN BE OUTED AT ANY MOMENT TO THE PROS OF SEX WORK. ALWAYS THINK IN TERMS OF WORSE CASE SCENARIO, YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS WILL FIND OUT.

    IF YOU’RE SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS AFTER SLEEPING ON IT, KEEP READING.

    BRANDING

    ONE OF THE BIGGEST FAVORS YOU CAN DO YOURSELF IS GOOGLING THE STAGE NAME YOU WANT TO USE FOR SEX WORK. ONLINE SEX WORK MEANS SEO IS GOING TO MAKE AN IMPACT ON YOUR TRAFFIC AND MONEY. YOU WANT A NAME THAT ISN’T ALREADY TAKEN, AND WON’T GET BURIED IN SIMILAR SEARCH RESULTS. EXECUTED PROPERLY, WHEN YOU GOOGLE YOUR STAGE NAME, THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD BE COMING UP IS ALL YOUR WEBSITES AND SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS.

     

    SOCIAL MEDIA

    YOU’LL NEED A TWITTER ACCOUNT DEDICATED TO YOUR SEX WORK, MOST ONLINE SEXWORK PLATFORMS USE TWITTER CONNECTIVITY FOR PROMOTION. WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO TWEET IS UP TO YOU, IDEALLY YOUR TL SHOULD CONVEY YOUR PERSONALITY WHILE PROMOTING YOUR MONEY MAKING PLATFORMS.

    CAMMING

    THE THREE BIGGEST SITES FOR CAMMING ARE MYFREECAMSSTREAMATE AND CHATURBATE. EACH HAS ITS LEARNING CURVES. MYFREECAMS GENERALLY HAS THE MOST TRAFFIC, BUT A LOT OF THE TRAFFIC IS NON PAYING WANKERS. CHATURBATE HAS A TON OF TRAFFIC AS WELL AND IT’S EASY TO BECOME HIGHLY RANKED ON CHATURBATE IF YOUR SHOWS ARE GOOD. STREAMATE IS MY PREFERRED CAM SITE, THE TRAFFIC IS DECENT AND THE CLIENTELE ARE ALL PAYING ONES BECAUSE YOU CAN BLOCK FREE USERS. MY SUGGESTION IS TO SIGN UP FOR ALL THREE AND FEEL THEM ALL OUT AND SEE WHICH FEELS BEST FOR YOU. YOU CAN USE MY REFERRAL AND AFFILIATE LINKS FOR MYFREECAMSCHATURBATE AND STREAMATE

    WHAT YOU NEED TO CAM

    1. COMPUTER 

    THIS IS VERY OBVIOUS. YOU CAN’T SUCCEED AT ONLINE SEX WORK WITHOUT A COMPUTER. 

    2. WEBCAM

    A $50 LOGITECH WEBCAM WILL SERVE YOU FINE, I’VE HAD MINE FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS AND IT WORKS FINE ALTHOUGH IF I WERE TO UPGRADE I WOULD GET THIS WEBCAM

    3. LIGHTING 

    VERY BASIC AND AFFORDABLE LIGHT KITS CAN BE FOUND ON AMAZON LIKE THIS ONE FOR ABOUT $50. LIGHTING IS CRUCIAL TO MAKING YOU LOOK GOOD.

    4. MAKEUP

    YOU WANNA LOOK YOUR BEST ON CAM AND A BIG PART OF THAT IS GONNA BE MAKEUP. MY MAKEUP SKILLS HAVE DEFINITELY GROWN SINCE I STARTED ONLINE SEX WORK. FOR CAMMING I LIKE A BB CREAM THAT I SET WITH POWDER, FAKE EYELASHES AND A LIP GLOSS. I LIKE TO KEEP IT NATURAL LOOKING AND SIMPLE FOR CAMMING.

    5. WARDROBE

    IF YOU FEEL SEXY AND COMFY IN IT, IT’S A WINNER. I’VE MADE MONEY ON CAM IN EVERYTHING FROM LINGERIE, BIKINIS, PAJAMAS, TO WORK OUT GEAR. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO SOURCE CLOTHES FROM YOUR CURRENT WARDROBE RATHER THAN BUY A WHOLE NEW WARDROBE.

    6. PROPS

    DEPENDING ON THE TYPE OF CAMMING YOU’RE DOING YOU’LL PROBABLY NEED SOME PROPS. SOME POPULAR ONES ARE SUCTION DILDOS THAT YOU CAN MOUNT, VIBRATING WANDS AND PADDLES.

    7. CONSISTENCY

    IN ORDER TO BUILD A REGULAR BASE YOU HAVE TO BE ON CAM IN A CONSISTENT WAY, MAKE A SCHEDULE AND STICK TO IT OR CHOOSE TO CAM AT AROUND THE SAME TIMES. YOU SHOULD KNOW TRAFFIC FOR THESE SITES IS HIGHEST AT NIGHT AND ON THE WEEKENDS.

    PHONE SEX

    I USE TWO SERVICES TO PAYWALL MY PHONE CALLS, NITEFLIRT AND VERIFIED CALL. NITEFLIRT IS A GREAT PLATFORM FOR NEWBIES BECAUSE IT’LL INTRODUCE YOU TO AN ENTIRE MARKET OF MEN LOOKING TO PAY. VERIFIED CALL IS GREAT IF YOU ALREADY HAVE AN EXISTING FOLLOWING THAT IS INTERESTED IN CONTACTING YOU. I TEND TO TAKE CONSULTING CALLS ON VERIFIED CALL AND PHONE DOMINATION CALLS ON NITEFLIRT. 

    NITEFLIRT AS A PLATFORM IS MUCH MORE VERSATILE THAN VERIFIED CALL. IN ADDITION TO A PHONE SEX LINE, YOU CAN SELL VIDEO, PICTURE AND AUDIO CONTENT, HAVE PAID MESSAGES WITH YOUR FANS, AND CAN EVEN USE IT AS A CONDUIT FOR CHARGING FOR CAM BY THE MINUTE.

    WHAT YOU NEED FOR PHONE SEX

    1. CELL PHONE, DUH.

    2. GOOD PICTURES OF YOURSELF. MEN NEED A VISUAL WITH THE VOICE.

    3. BASIC HTML SKILLS. THE KEY TO SUCCESS ON NITEFLIRT IS A GOOD PROFILE. A GOOD PROFILE IS VISUALLY ENTICING, CONVEYS YOUR SPECIALTIES AND PERSONALITY AND PROVIDES LINKS TO ENCOURAGE MEN TO PAY. NITEFLIRT PROFILES REQUIRE BASIC HTML EDITING KNOWLEDGE SO BE PREPARED FOR THAT.

    CONTENT

    PROBABLY ONE OF THE MORE INVOLVED FORMS OF ONLINE SEX WORK THAT REQUIRES THE MOST AMOUNT OF SKILLS IS CONTENT PRODUCTION. HOWEVER THE BEAUTY OF CONTENT IS IT IS A PASSIVE INCOME, ONCE YOU UPLOAD YOUR CLIPS THEY MAKE YOU MONEY PASSIVELY IN PERPETUITY. MY PREFERRED SITES FOR SELLING CLIPS IS IWANTCLIPS AND MANYVIDS

    WHAT YOU NEED TO MAKE CONTENT

    1. VIDEO CAMERA & ACCESORIES

    CAMCORDERS COME IN A WIDE PRICE RANGE, BUT YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. CAMERAS I USE RANGE FROM $300 -$1300, WITH THE MIDDLE MODEL COMING IN AT $799. I RECOMMEND THIS CANON STARTER MODELFOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TRY OUT CONTENT PRODUCTION WITHOUT INVESTING A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF MONEY INTO EQUIPMENT. YOU’LL ALSO NEED A TRIPOD FOR YOUR CAMERA.

    2. LIGHTING (WE WENT OVER THIS IN CAMMING BUT HERE WE GO ANYWAY)

    LIGHTING IS CRUCIAL FOR MAKING YOU LOOK GOOD. VERY BASIC AND AFFORDABLE LIGHT KITS CAN BE FOUND ON AMAZON LIKE THIS ONE FOR ABOUT $50. BUT IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY TO INVEST, I REALLY FAVOR A DIMMABLE LED RING LIGHT LIKE THE ONE I LINKED HERE. RING LIGHTS GIVE YOU A REALLY FLATTERING GLOW EFFECT IN CONTENT.

    3, BACKDROP

    THE SETTING THAT YOU SHOOT IN IS CRUCIAL TO THE QUALITY OF YOUR CONTENT. IF YOU SHOOT YOUR CONTENT IN A MESSY TRASH HEAP YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO JUSTIFY CHARGING A LOT FOR YOUR CONTENT. THIS IS WHY EVERY CAM GIRL AND ONLINE SEX WORKER HAS ROOM DIVIDERS, IT COVERS THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND OTHER STUFF THAT REMINDS MEN THAT WE ARE HUMAN. IF YOU LIVE IN SQUALOR. CLEAN UP, IF YOUR SURROUNDINGS LOOK CHEAP, HANG UP PRETTY FABRIC TO COVER UP FAUX WOOD PANEL WALLS. A LITTLE BIT OF REDECORATING CAN GO A LONG WAY IN THIS DEPARTMENT 

    4. IDEAS!

    YOU NEED TO COME UP WITH IDEAS ON WHAT YOUR CLIPS ARE GOING TO BE ABOUT, THERE ARE A TON OF FETISHES AND SCENARIOS YOU CAN FILM. WRITE DOWN YOUR IDEAS AND THINK ABOUT IT AS A SCRIPT THAT YOU’LL BE ACTING OUT. I GENERALLY READ MY NOTES AND THEN FREESTYLE MY CLIPS BUT AM LOOKING TO USE A MORE SCRIPTED APPROACH.

    5. VIDEO EDITING SOFTWARE

    THERE ARE A TON OF VIDEO EDITING SOFTWARES OUT THERE SO I’M NOT GONNA PLUG ANY. BUT THIS WILL BE ESSENTIAL TO TURNING YOUR CONTENT INTO A FINISHED PRODUCT. FIND A PROGRAM YOU’RE COMFORTABLE WORKING WITH THAT GIVES YOU RESULTS YOU ARE HAPPY WITH.

    6. MAKEUP & WARDROBE

    I USE HEAVIER MAKEUP FOR SHOOTING BECAUSE THE LIGHTS TEND TO BE BRIGHTER AND I WORK UP A SWEAT WHILE I SHOOT. I SET MY FOUNDATION WITH POWDER, I CONTOUR AND HIGHLIGHT MY FACE, APPLY EYESHADOW, LASHES, AND A LIP. WARDROBE FOR SHOOTING IS TOTALLY UP TO YOU. MY RULES ARE NOT TO WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT TWICE.

    7. TIME

    YOU NEED TIME TO EDIT AND UPLOAD ALL OF THE CONTENT YOU’VE MADE. UPLOADING SOUNDS EASY BUT WHEN YOU ADD IN ALL THE COPY YOU HAVE TO WRITE AND ALL THE CATEGORIZING YOU HAVE TO DO, IT BECOMES TIME CONSUMING. THE BEST WAY TO DO THIS IS TO BATCH PROCESS YOUR EDITING AND UPLOADING AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SCHEDULING FEATURES.

    PAYMENT PROCESSORS

    THE KEY IS TO ALWAYS HAVE MULTIPLE AVENUES FOR RECEIVING CASH BECAUSE SEX WORKER’S ACCOUNTS TEND TO GET SHUT DOWN.

    ADULT PAYMENT PROCESSORS LIKE IWANTCLIPS AND NITEFLIRT ARE A SECURE WAY OF RECEIVING PAYMENT BUT THEY CHARGE A HEFTY PERCENTAGE.

    THOSE WHO LIKE TO CIRCUMVENT THE ADULT PROCESSORS WILL FIND THEMSELVES OPEN TO A HUGE ARRAY OF MONEY TRANSFER METHODS

    VENMO

    GOOGLE WALLET

    SQUARE

    SNAPCASH

    CIRCLE

    PAYPAL

    STRIPE

    THE CAVEAT IS SOME OF THESE METHODS ALLOW THE MONEY SENDER TO REVERSE THE PAYMENT SO THEY SHOULD ONLY BE USED WITH MEN WHO YOU KNOW WON’T FUCK YOU OVER.

    IF YOU FOUND ANY OF THIS INFORMATION USEFUL, USE MY REFERRAL LINK TO SIGN UP FOR IWANTCLIPSMANYVIDSNITEFLIRTCHATURBATE, MYFREECAMS OR STREAMATE AND KEEP ME UPDATED ON YOUR ONLINE SEX WORK JOURNEY AT LITERALPORN@GMAIL.COM

  • A KOREAN AMERICAN GIRL’S K-BEAUTY ROUTINE

    AFTER SUFFERING FROM A FAST FOOD AMERICAN BEAUTY ROUTINE AS A TEEN I’VE LEARNED TO TAKE BETTER CARE OF MY SKIN IN MY TWENTIES. MOST AMERICAN WOMEN THINK IT’S CRAZY TO HAVE A 10-12 STEP BEAUTY ROUTINE, THEY THINK IT’S WAY TOO TIME CONSUMING OR TOO MUCH WORK. BUT THEN AGAIN, AMERICAN WOMEN AREN’T KNOWN FOR GREAT SKIN. 

    THERE ARE BIG DIFFERENCES BETWEEN AMERICAN AND KOREAN BEAUTY PHILOSOPHY AND PRODUCTS. AMERICAN BEAUTY PHILOSOPHY LIKES CONVENIENCE AND HAS HARSHER PRODUCTS. KOREAN BEAUTY PHILOSOPHY PREACHES A MORE COMPLEX AND RITUALISTIC APPROACH WITH GENTLER PRODUCTS.  I’VE USED SO MANY PRODUCTS FROM SEPHORA AND DEFINITELY HAVE MY FAVORITES BUT IT MAKES LITTLE SENSE FOR ME TO CONTINUE TO USE AMERICAN BEAUTY PRODUCTS WHEN MY COUNTRY MAKES SOME OF THE BEST SKINCARE IN THE WORLD AND IS KNOWN FOR OUR YOUTHFUL FLAWLESS SKIN. 

    I SLOWLY TRANSITIONED MY AMERICAN SKINCARE PRODUCTS TO A KOREAN REGIMEN AND STARTED MIXING IN MORE AND MORE KOREAN PRODUCTS. MY CURRENT GOAL IS TO SWITCH TO A COMPLETELY KOREAN ROUTINE AND DUMP ALL MY OLD AMERICAN PRODUCTS ON MY HUSBAND. HERE IS A STEP BY STEP RUNDOWN OF THE ROUTINE I USE.

     

    STEP 1  MAKEUP REMOVAL

    I WIPE OFF ALL MY MAKEUP WITH WIPES. WIPES ON THE AMERICAN MARKET TEND TO HAVE DETERGENTS OR OILS IN THEM, I PREFER KOREAN MAKEUP WIPES THAT ARE WATER BASED. THEY ARE GENTLER AND PACKED WITH GOOD FOR YOUR SKIN INGREDIENTS.

    STEP 2  OIL CLEANSE

    THIS SOUNDS FOREIGN TO MOST AMERICANS, COUNTERINTUITIVE TO PEOPLE WITH OILY SKIN AND MIGHT EVEN HORRIFY PEOPLE WHO HAVE ACNE BUT THIS METHOD REALLY BALANCES OUT ALL SKIN TYPES. I MASSAGE AN OIL CLEANSER INTO MY SKIN AND RINSE IT OFF.

     

    STEP 3  WATER CLEANSE

    I WASH MY FACE WITH A FOAMING CLEANSER AND ELECTRONIC FACE BRUSH. I STAY REALLY FAR FROM AMERICAN DRUGSTORE FACE WASHES, THEY TEND TO BE SUPER HARSH AND MOST CONTAIN THE DETERGENT SODIUM LAURETH SULFATE. KOREAN FACE WASHES GENERALLY COME IN MOUSSE, MILKY, OR CREAMY FOAMS AND ARE NOT JUST FOCUSED ON STRIPPING YOUR SKIN BUT NOURISHING IT.

    STEP 4  EXFOLIATE

    THERE ARE A TON OF PRODUCTS TO EXFOLIATE WITH BUT ONE THING I DISLIKE IS HARSH SCRUBS WITH LARGE GRANULES IN THEM, I FIND THEM TO BE ABRASIVE AND INEFFECTIVE. AMERICANS LOVE SUGAR SCRUBS BUT I’M NOT AT ALL CRAZY ABOUT THEM, ESPECIALLY FOR THE FACE. I PREFER A CHEMICAL EXFOLIANT IN THE FORM OF FRUIT ACIDS, ALPHA HYDROXY ACIDS AND LACTIC ACIDS.

    STEP 5  TONE

    TONING IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT PICKS UP ANY RESIDUAL DIRT ON YOUR FACE THAT THE WATER AND OIL DIDN’T PICK UP. IT ALSO CREATES A LAYER OF NUTRIENT LADEN MOISTURE ON YOUR FACE. AMERICAN TONERS FAVOR RUBBING ALCHOL WHICH IS A BIG NO NO IN KOREAN TONERS. ALCOHOL IS EXTREMELY DRYING TO THE SKIN WHICH IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH

     

    STEP 6  ESSENCE 

    A VERY KEY STEP IN THE KOREAN BEAUTY ROUTINE THAT IS MISSING FROM THE AMERICAN BEAUTY ROUTINE IS ESSENCE. ESSENCE IS LIKE A WATERY SERUM BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THE WAY IT’S APPLIED. YOU GENTLY PAT AND PRESS IT INTO YOUR SKIN, YOU DO NOT RUB. A BIG THING IN KOREAN SKINCARE IS NEVER RUBBING OR TUGGING AT YOUR SKIN AND TO ALWAYS BE EXTREMELY SOFT AND GENTLE WITH IT.

    STEP 7  RESURFACING SERUM

    SERUMS ARE A COMMON BEAUTY STAPLE WORLDWIDE. THEY HAVE CONCENTRATED DOSES OF POWERFUL INGREDIENTS MEANT TO TRANSFORM YOUR SKIN. FOR MY FIRST SERUM STEP I LIKE TO USE ONE THAT HAS RESURFACING PROPERTIES. LOOK FOR INGREDIENTS LIKE ALPHA HYDROXY ACID AND LACTIC ACID THAT HELP YOUR SKIN CELLS TURNOVER AND RENEW

    STEP 8  PROTECTIVE SERUM

    NEXT I LIKE A SERUM THAT IS HIGH CONCENTRATED IN VITAMIN C, IT HELPS FIGHT SUN DAMAGE AND FADES HYPER PIGMENTATION. I KNOW BY NOW YOU’RE PROBABLY THINKING THIS IS WEARING TOO MUCH PRODUCT ON YOUR FACE, BUT KOREAN PRODUCTS TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE AMOUNT OF STEPS THERE ARE GONNA BE AND SO FORMULAS TEND TO BE EXTREMELY LIGHTWEIGHT AND ABSORB WELL. THIS WILL NOT FEEL AS HEAVY AS IT SOUNDS. 

    STEP 9  MASK

    ONCE A WEEK I INCORPORATE A MASK INTO MY ROUTINE. I USE A VARIETY OF MASKS FOR DIFFERENT THINGS, DEPENDING ON HOW MY SKIN IS ACTING. IF MY PORES ARE CLOGGED I USE A PEEL OFF MASK, IF MY SKIN IS DRY I USE A HYDRATING GEL MASK, IF MY SKIN IS REGULAR I USE SOME SORT OF CLAY MASK. 

    STEP 10  EYE CREAM

    FOR EYE CREAM I LIKE SOMETHING LIGHTWEIGHT THAT DRIES DOWN MATTE IN THE AM SINCE I’LL BE WEARING MAKEUP, AND A HEAVIER THICKER EYE CREAM FOR PM. EYE SKIN IS DELICATE SO NEVER RUB THE SKIN AROUND YOUR EYES, INSTEAD, GENTLY PAT THE EYE CREAM IN WITH YOUR FINGER TIPS.

    STEP 11  MOISTURIZE

    ONCE YOUR FACE IS PACKED WITH VITAMINS AND NUTRIENTS AND OTHER GOOD FOR SKIN STUFF, IT’S TIME TO MOISTURIZE IT. PICK YOUR POISION, MOISTURIZER COMES IN SO MANY FORMS. I PREFER SOMETHING LIGHTWEIGHT IN A GEL TEXTURE IN WARM WEATHER AND SOMETHING HEAVIER IN A CREAM TEXTURE IN COLD WEATHER.

    STEP 12  SUNSCREEN IN THE AM

    I KNOW AMERICANS TEND TO HAVE A STRONG IMAGE OF THICK WHITE ZINC OXIDE WHEN SUNSCREEN GETS BROUGHT UP BUT IT’S TOTALLY NOT THE CASE ANYMORE. THERE ARE SO MANY LIGHTWEIGHT AND SHEER SUNSCREEN FORMULAS AVAILABLE NOW IN VARYING SPF STRENGTHS. I USE A BB CREAM WITH SPF 30 IN IT, WHEN THE SUN IS REALLY STRONG I USE A MIST SUNSCREEN IN SPF 50. FOR THOSE UNFAMILIAR, BB CREAM IS “BEAUTY BALM”. IT’S BASICALLY A MULTITASKING PRODUCT THAT OFFERS LIGHT COVERAGE, SUN PROTECTION, AND NUTRIENTS LIKE A SERUM.

    STEP 12  WATER PACK IN THE PM

    AT NIGHT I PUT ON A WATER PACK WHICH IS BASICALLY A REALLY HYDRATING WATER BASED GEL MASK THAT CREATES A NUTRIENT RICH MOISTURE BARRIER FOR ME TO SLEEP IN.

    A LOT OF THESE STEPS REQUIRE KOREAN PRODUCTS WHICH ARE HARD TO FIND FOR AMERICAN GIRLS. I SUGGEST SOKOGLAM. IF YOU USE MY REFERRAL LINK YOU’LL GET 20% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDER 💋

  • CONDOMS

    guys, please stop buying shitty condoms. this means…

    1. Trojans (esp. Magnums)

    Worst condom brand ever and yet the most common. Guys stay falling for the “Magnum size” marketing and shiny gold packaging. These not only feel like rubber dishwashing gloves, they’re the only condom thats ever broke on me. Not to mention you look like you’re playing yourself when you have an average sized dick and pull out a Magnum. Remember what Remy Ma said about baggy magnums?

    2. Lifestyles

    Runner up for shittiest and most common condom brand goes to Lifestyles. Lifestyles has a pretty wide selection of condom types and every last one that ever came in contact with my uterus sucked. Lifestyles makes an “ultra thin” condom called the Skyn that has the same exact packaging as the Trojan Magnum

    And it feels just as shitty as the Trojan Magnum. Is it weird to hate a condom brand for its name? Because I fucking hate the name Lifestyles.  

    3. Durex

    I feel like these are the least evil and chafing of all the condom brands you can find at your local CVS. Strangely, I hardly ever see guys with Durex condoms. Maybe they have bad marketing? Maybe the guys I fuck have bad taste in condoms? Ionno, just get the ultra thin/sensitive ones and avoid the studded/ribbed kind. 

    4. Pretty much anything they sell at your average American pharamacy sucks. Seriously.

    5. Studded/Ribbed/Warming/Her Pleasure/etc.

    Please stop buying condoms that swear they do magical tricks that feel good for the girl. For my pleasure my ass. They’re not so much for my pleasure as they are for assuaging a guy’s insecurities about having mediocre dick. 

    6. Crown Skinless Skins

    These are my favorite condoms by far. The Japanese being the freaks they are know what they’re doing when it comes to condom technology. Thinner than anything you can find in the store, good slip n slide, and super cheap on Amazon. 

    7. Okamoto 0.02

    For people who are allergic to latex Okamoto makes a polyurethane condom that’s super thin. 

    8. Okamoto Super Big Boy

    ROFLMAO at the fact that they put a horse on the box, that’s OD. But anyway if you actually have a big dick and need larger condoms these are basically the Magnum version of the Crown Skinless Skins. 

    In closing, stop fucking with basic condoms. And if you wanna try out a bunch of them without paying for them, go to condomusa.com, they have a selection of free condoms that includes one of my favorites, the Crown Skinless Skin.

  • JUDGE A MAN BY HIS SHOES

     


    These are the top 5 shoes that make my pussy dry up and what they say about the guy wearing them.

    1.Uggs

    Guys who wear Uggs often snowboard or surf. Why do guys need wool lined boots to frolic on the beach? I don’t know. But snowboarders swear by how warm and comfortable they are. You know what else is really warm and comfortable? Really thick woolen socks and a pair of TImberland boots, and you get the added benefit of not looking like the douchebag in the picture above. When a guy wears UGGS you almost have to respect how little fucks he gives about what people think. Men who wear Uggs are a rare breed. Mainly because Darwinian.laws are driving them towards extinction.

    2. Vans Slip Ons

    Yo white dudes, why do you refuse to wear socks with these particular shoes? I see y’all out here in socks with sandals all the time but never socks with Vans slip ons. Guys who used to skateboard and had cokedreams of becoming Tony Hawk/Rob Dyrdek love these shoes and always wear beanies with them (see above). I’m not as aesthetically opposed to these shoes as I am to the smell that’s born when a guy wears them barefoot all summer long. You think throwing some foot powder in it is gonna fix it? Nah doggie. Guys that own these shoes always have dwellings that smell like ass because of the shoes in question.

    3. Birkenstocks

    If you own Birkenstocks I automatically question your personal hygiene, I can also safely assume you own at least one article of tie dyed clothing and a bong. Birkenstocks scream “I like stuff white people with dreadlocks like, heck I might even be a white person with dreadlocks.” If you’re wearing these I’m gonna assume you know where I can get some acid and good shrooms but I’ll also roll my eyes when you start talking about Phish.

    4. Tevas

    There are only two stages of life in which a guy wears Tevas. One is in childhood at sleepaway camp. Oh you didn’t go to sleepaway camp? You didn’t wear Tevas then. The second stage is when you’re a Dad. But not just any kind of Dad, a Nature Dad.  You can catch Nature Dad taking his kids on vacation to a National Park or engaging in activities such as white water rafting and hiking. Nature Dads love to wear their velcro Tevas with socks and those weird white man sunglasses that reflect orange and come with a rubber safety strap, because God forbid he loses those sweet sunglasses during one of his nature hikes.

    5. Vibram Toe Shoes

    Yo just look at these fucking things. There is absolutely no situation or context in which this footwear it acceptable. I don’t care if these are magical shoes that let Terio do parkour style jumps and fly, they’re still an awwww nawwww. I went on a hiking date with an OKCupid guy and he wore these. I brutally ridiculed him the whole time because I couldn’t contain my repulsion. He started talking about how they were aerodynamic or some shit, I didn’t return his texts.

  • GUIDE TO SUGAR DADDIES

    Maybe I’m jaded, but when I see a young attractive girl with an older man who obviously isn’t her father I assume they have an arrangement that involves him taking care of some of her bills and her touching his penis. I by no means am against these arrangements, I don’t give a shit about the argument over whether it’s prostitution or not (because I don’t think prostitution is inherently wrong,) I just care that the girls are reaping every benefit they can while they do this. 

    First of all girls, if a man is significantly older than you he better be trickin, thems the rules. Youth and beauty are social currency he lacks, that’s why he keeps you around, to bask in its glow and raise his social status and dick. Do not fuck with broke ass ain’t shit older men. Older dudes should come with a career, health insurance, 401K, real estate, stock portfolios, shit like that. If not for the perks, why be with a guy your dad’s age with old balls when you could be with a lean bodied twenty something with young balls. 

    In exchange for your company and cheeks he should be picking up every check. You should never pay for anything when you are with him, he should be helping you financially whether it’s a tuition bill or straight allowance. If the guy is a sugar daddy in the true sense he should be hooking up rent, car, tuition, and spending money, NOT just a fucking phone bill.

    Secondly, the ride ain’t gonna last forever so be prepared. A man who pays your rent, bills, tuition, and provides you with spending money has a lot of control over your life and your security is only as good as your female prowess. You aren’t a wife, you have no legal rights to the benefits he’s providing you. Put away some of the cash he gives you. If he gives you a credit card to shop buy things like electronics, fine jewelry, and expensive bags. Don’t buy clothes and shoes like a dumbass. Buy shit that can be cashed in when he gets sick of you and finds a new sugar baby or gets caught by his wife. 

    Thirdly, do not get attached. This is an arrangement. It shouldn’t be hard to not catch feelings. Guys who agree to these arrangements have both a scheduling and insecurity problem. Overworked, unhappily married, past their prime, and trained by their wives to think they’re only as good as the size of their salaries. Points to you if you can get him to catch feelings while you stay detached. If you can make that happen the ball is in your court. 

    Lastly, learn and network. You have at your disposal a successful older man, learn from him about anything he’s willing to teach you, listen to him when he talks business, politics, life. Sugar daddies make great references and resume credits. They’re also usually in a position to hook you up with internships and jobs. Use your sugar daddy and his network to your full advantage.

  • LETTER FROM YOUR DRUG DEALER

     

    Sup dude. I wanna thank you for spending the money you make at your shitty job trying to forget you work at a shitty job. I really really appreciate the excess amount of crap I’m able to buy due to your continued addictio- ahem support. i’m writing you this letter because some of you are certainly out there wondering, why is my drug dealer so inconsistent and unreliable, in fact some of you are sitting around waiting on your drug dealers right now cursing their fucking names and mothers for taking 2 hours after telling you 30 minutes. There is a good chance that yes your drug dealer is a lazy piece of shit who lacks any sense of punctuality, but did you ever wonder dear drug purchaser that it could just be you?

    Every drug dealer has custies they like dealing with and custies they hate dealing with. If your drug dealer consistently shows up extra late and doesn’t ever hook you up, it’s probably because you’re annoying as fuck. you probably the typea custie to blow up your dealers phone 10 times over a $50 sale all while asking a million questions. yes i know you wanna make sure it’s on point and the shit’s good and what kind is it and did you make sure to weigh it out blahblah fucking blah. you might be asking for your own peace of mind but your drug dealer’s just gonna lie and say yes to all those questions ‘cause he knows if you’re already at the point where you’re asking 21 questions, you gonna buy the shit regardless of how shitty it is you fucking fiend. 

    So that being said, respect your dealer’s text to dollar ratio. what is a text to dollar ratio you ask? i made it the fuck up. it’s the number of times you’re allowed to bug your drug dealer based on the dollar amount you plan on spending. i personally maintain a 1:100 text to dollar value at maximum. that means that for every $100 you spend, you get to text me one time without my being aggy at you. if you hit me up five times for a $50 sale I will put you on the last of my list of drops and I will get there an hour and a half late you cheap annoying fuck just buy your drugs in bulk why don’t you goddammit i hate you.

    anyway maintain a reasonable text:$ ratio maybe just maybe i won’t secretly hate you and give you the skimpest bag outta the bunch. hell I might even turn off the episode of the wire I’m watching and come through in those times when you’re in desperate need. Just as much as you find your needlessly paranoid drug dealer annoying to deal with, they find your custie ass annoying too.

    hugs and kisses,

    your drug dealer.

  • ANAL SEX TIPS


    When it comes to taking it up the butt, I take my cues from the pros. I’m talking about pornstars who have HD cameras aimed at their assholes when they’re doing it. I’ve only had anal sex once but it was a very clean and shit free experience. I did a lot of research and preparation to ensure this. Here are my anal sex tips. 

    1. Don’t eat the day of. Logically speaking if you don’t want shit happening stop feeding your body stuff that produces shit. Drink juice or smoothies instead.

    2. Take 2 enemas, one saline and another just plain water about 4-6 hours beforehand. 

    3. Don’t forget to baby wipe.

    4. I’ve heard some pornstars take anti diarrhea medication on top of this as well, I didn’t and was fine.

    5. Taking a painkiller definitely helps the cause. I took Vicodin.

    6. Use lots of lube. Like a lot. Like more than you think you need.

    7. Use a small butt plug first to ready your asshole for pounding. Porn stars who do anal often wear a butt plug around for hours to stretch themselves out to get ready for their scene.

  • HOW TO SEND NUDES

    If you’re gonna send nudes be smart about it. As a veteran nude sender I can proudly say no one has leaked my nudes thus far, this is how I’ve accomplished this.

    1. Assume the worst, which is that they’ll end up on the internet

    2. Get before you give. Get the guy’s nudes before you send him any. No pics from him, no pics from you. A person who knows you have the same dirt on them is much less likely to leak your nudes.

    3. Make sure you’re not identifiable in the picture. This means no face and cover identifiable tattoos.

    4. Use non descript backgrounds. Also use clean backdrops. Nobody wanna see a sloppy dirty mess of a room even if your tits are great. 

    5. Look amazing. Even if you are just a dismembered torso. Use flattering angles like the under the booty shot, and the laying down titty shot.

    6. No close up pussy shots. This is a request from many guys. Nothing looks good that up close. Camel toe is a go though.

    7. None of these guidelines matter if you don’t care about being seen naked on the internet.

  • FAKING IT

    I have faked my share of orgasms. I even pride myself on the realism of my fake orgasms. The key to a convincing female orgasm is to pulse your pussy, and then add other dramatics like trembling legs, a change in breathing pattern, or the obvious loud moaning combined with “I’m cumming.”

    Now I by no means advocate women faking orgasms consistently with sexual partners. On the whole faking orgasms with a long term partner is not a productive approach because it gives them false ideas of what actually gets you off. And nothing is more cringe inducing than a guy who thinks he’s putting in that work when he’s actually barely stimulating your clitoris. 

    However, I do believe there are instances where you are met with an eager but inept one off lover who doesn’t wanna stop until they get you off. In cases like this where a person is being considerate but my pussy is getting sore I would fake it. I look at it as telling a sexual white lie. Someone cooks you a meal and it taste like ass you should still pretend you enjoyed it to show appreciation for their effort, it’s good manners, feel me? Not to mention, faking it is your cue to end it once you’re no longer in the mood to keep fucking. A very handy signal.

  • REGULAR GIRL BLOWJOB ADVICE

    Here’s some straight up advice from a regular girl just like you, who happens to give amazing blowjobs. 

    1. Always keep in mind that a blowjob is basically your mouth trying to recreate the experience of a pussy. With that in mind, aim to recreate the experience of not just any pussy, but a warm wet tight pussy. 

    2. Be sloppy. No one wants a prim and proper blowjob. This means spit a lot and make it wet. I noticed that drinking something sugary like Sprite beforehand thickens your spit and makes it more lube like.  

    3. Keep contact at all times. Whether it’s with your hands, lips, or tongue don’t break contact. 

    4. Deepthroat, or at least try. We can’t all deepthroat like the pros but it’s fun to try. Guys like to watch you gag and choke on it while you try to take it as far down your throat as possible. Bonus points if you do it until your eyes tear up.

    5. Make some noise. Moan or dirty talk while you blow and stroke him.

    6. Eye contact. Look in his eyes. Guys love that shit, dunno why but they do. I call them doe eye blowjobs. 

    7. Play with yourself. Whether your squeezin on your tits or playing with your clit you should be making yourself feel good too. 

    8. Don’t forget the balls.

    9. Know his hot spot. The most sensitive part of a guy’s dick is the underside of his head. Use that knowledge to your advantage.

    10. No teeth. Remember the goal is to recreate the experience of a warm tight wet pussy with your mouth, and short of vaginal dentata, pussy don’t have teeth.

  • FREELANCING FINANCES: GETTING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

     

     

    Oh money. We love it, we hate it, we need it, and we’re supposed to magically teach ourselves how to handle it by the time we’re adults. I’ve made and spent lots of money, but I’ve done a pretty poor job of handling my personal finances for many reasons, namely - unsteady income, no budgeting and impulsive spending. Still, even as a free spirited freelancer, I’ve always wanted security. Savings, investments, assets are all very appealing yet elusive concepts to me. If you can relate to this, I believe there is hope for us.

    For the majority of my life I’ve worked in an off the books capacity. For years I hustled my survival, bringing home cash. My income was as erratic as me. After I turned 18 I was reporting my taxes wild inaccurately not because I wanted to, but because there was hardly any paper trail to the money I had made and spent. All I really had was bank statements with cash deposits and debits made to cover the bills I was paying. Any simple accountant could look at my statements and know I was up to small time shady shit in my teens and early twenties. Instead of trying to track my income I said “fuck it”, deciding I was too small of a fish for the IRS to care. Nowadays, I don’t care about getting audited, I care about knowing my financial behavior. That being said, the most important lesson I learned is: Just because my income is erratic, does not mean my money habits and finances have to be too. I may not know exactly how much I’m going to make every month like Sally Salary, but I do know that whatever I do make will be recorded so that I can analyze, budget, save and invest.

    ANALYZE

    I use financial apps on my iPhone to make things easier. Mint plugs in all my bank, credit, and loan accounts and gives me a financial analysis. Foreceipt lets me snap and save my receipts quickly so I don’t have to hoard paper receipts. I also keep track of everything in a spreadsheet. I made the spreadsheet template I use available here. Basically the spreadsheet tracks your different sources of income, your expenses, sets a budget for spending and a goal for earning. You can customize the pay periods and pretty much anything else about it that you want. Simple and basic, but filling it out will give you a lot of insight into your financial habits. Taking an Adderall before you do it will also help A LOT. When I did this for the first time, I was APPALLED at myself. The amount of money I spent on eating at restaurants was atrocious, there were months where I spent more on shopping than on all my other expenses combined. I realized I was a hot financial mess. But I didn’t let it discourage me, I let go of judging and berating myself for the past and focused on what I could change and set goals and budgets. 

    BUDGET

    I think the best way to stick to a budget is to establish a realistic one. A realistic budget takes into account any regular vice expenditures that may not show up on traditional budgets. Meaning if you smoke hella weed or buy drinks at bars every weekend or spend money on sex workers or get lots of tattoos, and you have no plans to stop, put it in your budget. Leaving out shit you know you will spend money on is setting yourself up to fail at budgeting. I’m realistic about my weed and shopping habits, so I allow myself an allotment to indulge. Setting a budget for your vices seems tricky but it’s easy once you’ve analyzed your finances and know how many shady ATM withdrawals you make every month.

    When budgeting be forgiving and give yourself some wiggle room, I give myself a $200 “whatever comes up” allotment in case I overspend on any of my budget items or shit happens i.e. traffic tickets, phone bill overages, medical emergency, car problem, you get the idea. Ideally, for every month that shit doesn’t happen, you roll over that $200 into an emergency fund that you keep growing, IDEALLY.

    #GOALS

    As a freelancer, having financial goals is just as important as having a budget IMO. We don’t have a guaranteed income and we don’t have external forces pushing us to work so we need to create internal forces (goals) to push us to work and earn what we want. A good way to set financial goals is to set larger life goals. In order to do this I make a “Passion Roadmap”.

    I learned this trick from the instructions in my Passion Planner. You can either buy a physical version (and use literalporn@gmail.com as your reference!) or if you follow this link the planner is available for download for free. Download it and read the third or fourth page that’s titled “Your Passion Roadmap” and do the activity. Basically you spend 5 minutes making a comprehensive list of goals, short term and long term, realistic and far fetched. Once you make the list you pick 4 goals that would have the most immediate positive effect on your life. You take those goals and then map out how to achieve them. It’s an easy and practical approach to figuring out what you desire out of life, what desires are best for your life, and how to achieve those desires. Here’s how it looks in action:

    My big long term goal is to become a sex therapist, in order to achieve that I need to achieve these smaller goals

    1. Save money for grad school application process & tuition
    2. Study for and pass GRE’s
    3. Research & visit universities
    4. Apply to grad school
    5. Finish grad school
    6. Do my certification hours

    Notice the building block to making any of these goals happen is MONEY, thus goal number 1 is the most important. Take your building block goal and do the same thing you did to your long term goal, extrapolate the smaller steps needed to achieve the goal. How it looks in action, again:

    Save money for grad school application process and tuition

    1. Work/hustle/whatever you do to make money
    2. Spend less on XYZ
    3. Start a savings
    4. Put at least $XXX in savings every month

    Notice the pattern? You can do this ad infinitum, breaking down goals into smaller goals into even smaller goals, do this until you reach a tangible step you feel you can take. Using this method you can turn the biggest mountain of a goal into tangible baby steps that are easy to take. Like my budget, it is crucial for me to keep my goals easy to meet. By setting the bar low I don’t defeat or discourage myself. To counteract the complacency that comes with setting the bar low, I get competitive with myself and try to beat my financial goal by a certain percentage. Trying to beat my own record every month becomes a personal game after a while.

    SAVING AND INVESTING

    I am by no means a financial expert on saving and investing, I cannot recommend the best savings plan for you, I cannot tell you about what stock options are hot. What I can tell you, is how you can go from being a financial mess to saving and investing small sums of money. The key for savings and investing to work for me personally is, it has to be automatic and it has to be small unnoticeable amounts with the option for me to invest big chunks when I feel like it. So, given these parameters this is what I did.

    Instead of opening a savings account which requires $XXX to open up and maintain, I opened a Google Wallet account and hooked it up to my checking account. From there I set up a regular deposit to my Google Wallet from the app, a tiny amount, an amount I wouldn’t even notice, $1.50. Sometimes when I’m feeling baller I’ll transfer double digits into my Google Wallet. I plan on doing this until I feel I have enough money to move to a more substantial and permanent savings routine.

    For investing, I opened up an account with one of the many financial investment apps out there. I use Acorns (if you use my Acorns referral link, you get $5 free to start your investment account). Basically, the model of these apps is simple. It links to your bank account and either makes a tiny investment every time you spend, or you set it up to invest $X dollars however often you want. The people who run the app invest the money for you and you can withdraw the money at anytime. Acorns has a feature where you can set the aggressiveness of your investment strategy. So far it’s been going well and I can happily report my investment is in the triple digits without my even realizing it’s gone from my account.

    LASTLY

    You will fuck up. You will not stick to your budget all the time. This is okay. Keep going.

  • ONE OF THE GUYS

    My mom had dressed me in frilly frocks when I was little so as soon as I was able to pick out my own clothes I went straight to the boy’s section. I loved basketball sneakers and anything baggy. I wore boxers over my panties and tucked my long hair under a baseball cap. This ended up working out nicely for my parents because me and my brother shared clothes for a chunk of our adolescence. By default, my clothing preference made me a “tomboy”. I was included in playground sports, most of the other girls weren’t. I had a few close girlfriends but the two worlds were separate. I ding dong ditched and stole liquor from parents’ cabinets with my guy friends, and shoplifted Lipsmackers with my girlfriends. I remember listening to Diego, the guy friend I had a painful crush on, talking about which girls in our class were wearing bras. In that moment I was one of the guys, privy to boy conversations about girls. But with that inclusion came a very heightened sense of self consciousness about the fact that I had yet to develop enough to wear a bra. Even at a young age boys are vicious about girls’ bodies. I remember silently sitting by while my guy friends picked off names of girls in our class and described them as “fat, ugly, or hot”. I was 12 then, with no concept of objectification of women, just a shrinking feeling in my stomach and the nagging question of where I measured up. Still I strived for acceptance from my male friends, I jumped fences, broke into abandoned buildings, snuck out at night, smoked cigarettes, drank beer. By college I was well versed in being one of the guys. I shared disgusting stories in graphic detail, played poker, took trips to Atlantic City, picked up girls for my guy friends, and talked disparagingly about the “random groupies” that would hang around after house parties. 

    Looking back, I’ve been “one of the guys” for most of my life, and after all this time I’ve finally realized that being one of the guys is not only overrated, it’s a trap. First of all, you don’t get any male privileges for being one of the guys. You don’t get paid equally for being one of the guys, you’re no less susceptible to sexual assault or domestic violence for being one of the guys. All you get is the warm fuzzy feeling of male acceptance. 

    Secondly, you have to not only endure an endless barrage of misogynistic comments, you will be compelled to cosign and join in on the misogyny. You see, being one of the guys is a sort of Stockholm Syndrome. You’ll laugh at the misogynistic jokes and join in the slut shaming, trying to be one of them while throwing your own under the bus. You’ll assimilate to gain approval and acceptance from guys, but ironically think of other girls as vapid for seeking male attention. You think being privy to locker room talk makes you one of the guys? It doesn’t. You’ll find yourself outwardly approving their behavior by laughing along while inwardly becoming wary of men and paranoid of being the subject of such talk. You think that if you asexualize yourself by not sleeping with any of them, it will set you apart from other girls, it doesn’t. You’ll find yourself trapped, joining in the disparaging of other women while policing your own behavior to avoid being disparaged.

  • 10 THINGS NOT TO WEAR IN YOUR DATING PROFILE

     

    They say first impressions have a lasting impact. In person, first impressions are based on appearances and behavior: from what you look like, to how you dress, and the way you act. The same goes for first impressions in the online dating world, except on the internet all you have are pictures and words. In the online dating world your first impression is a profile picture. There are a lot of things you can do to creep out girls on the internet, at least get to the conversation part before you scare her off. Here are ten things you should never ever wear in your online dating profile

    Speedos. I don’t care what country you’re from, Speedos for heterosexual men are never the look. The only digital dating place where Speedos can thrive is Grindr. 

    A sarong. Sarongs on a man are so wrong for so many reasons. Man skirts of all kinds are a no, but the sarong is the most egregious. Cultural appropriation aside, why are you wearing a woman’s thigh baring beach cover up to lure women?

    A costume. Extra bad if it’s a head to toe costume that hides what you look like completely. I know Halloween is around the corner and you want to, but don’t. 


    A work name tag. Let’s be honest, women aren’t flocking to guys whose occupations require them to wear name tags, so let’s not advertise the fact that you stock groceries for a living in your profile picture. What you do for a living should be conveyed during conversation, not in your picture.

    A fedora of any kind. Fedora hatred is cliche for a reason. 

    These leopard print boxer briefs with a leopard’s face where your junk is. Making your crotch the main focus of your profile picture is never the move, no woman finds that shit attractive. It’s humorous at best, but in a laughing at you, not laughing with you kinda way. Stay away from crotch-centric shots.

    Your mode of transportation. This is a no win situation, either your car/bike/tractor is unimpressive, or your car is impressive and you look like an arrogant douche.

    Those ugly reflective glasses that white guys, dads, and cops like to wear. 

    Your birthday suit. Save that for after she consents to seeing you naked. 

    A child. I know you think you’re scoring sensitivity brownie points with your infant nephew on your lap, but in reality you’re just scaring off girls who don’t want men with kids. Also if you do have kids, that’s something that should be discovered through conversation, not a profile picture. 

    Your bros. As a girl who dates online, a group pictures means I don’t know which one you are, and I’m not gonna take the effort to find out. Also sticking your less attractive friend into your dating profile to look better by comparison is a dick move.

  • THE FAKE MALE ORGASM

    Ladies, you may not know this but the fake male orgasm exists. I know that’s blowing some of y’all’s minds right now because we’re so wrapped up in faking our own orgasms it doesn’t occur to us that men fake them too.

    For obvious reasons faking a male orgasm feels like it’d be a lot harder to accomplish because it’s hard to make fake jizz shoot out of your body. But it does happen. I asked some men if they had ever faked nuts and there were a surprising amount of men who said yes. This is what I gleaned from them.

    One guy recognized the downfalls of faking it with a regular partner, “I usually only faked an orgasm if I was with someone that was in no way relationship material or someone I planned on fucking again”. The main reasons cited for faking nuts is not being into the sex or the girl. Another big reason cited was drugs, ranging from antidepressants to heroin.  It seems that in the same way women fake it to end a session that they know isn’t gonna end in the big finish, men do it too.

    In terms of methods, the easiest way to conceal the non-evidence is to wear a condom, pretend to cum with noises, spasms, thrusting, and then pull out and quickly throw the condom in the trash can. When going raw the challenge is greater. One guy told me he drooled on a girls back to fake the orgasm, another told me he pretended to creampie the girl.

    All this talk about fake male orgasms made me wonder if a guy had ever pulled it on me. And I’m pretty sure it happened to me once. I was going through a nymphomaniac stage, equating sex with love and therefore constantly demanding sex from my then boyfriend whether he wanted it or not. I recall one night we had already had sex several times during the day but I was demanding more, so he begrudgingly indulged me with a semi hard dick but during the “big finish” instead of pulling out as usual he pushed deeper in and let out a moan. What a shitty faker, at least I had the decency to fake it realistically for him. Fuck him he ain’t shit now anyways.

    The fake male orgasm also exists rampantly in porn. I recall reading somewhere that Cetaphil face wash is sometimes used as a substitute for fake jizz in porn money shots. Imagine being the production assistant whose job it is to get the fake jizz color and consistency down? I would argue it’s like being the production assistant whose job it is to get the fake blood to look realistic in a gore film. Anyway, in addition to helping out pornstars who can’t cum on time, there is a subset of porn that features fake dicks squirting ludicrously large fake loads onto girls.

  • OPEN LETTER TO MY EX

    I’m petty. I’ll be the first to admit it. Though largely considered a negative trait there are few things in life better than petty victories. One of the sweetest and pettiest victories in life is having an ex who treated you like shit come crawling back. I’m not a good ex to crawl back to, at my worst I’m vindictive and take pleasure in cruelty when I believe the person is deserving. So when my ex somehow found me and started hitting me up on Instagram 8 years after it was over, I decided to take the low road and write an open letter about it.

    Dear Ex,

    It was highly entertaining to me that you decided to contact me after all these years. You sure know how to flatter a girl with likes and comments and messages recounting vivid details of the mediocre sex we had years ago when I was still a teenager. I felt the deepest pity for your girlfriend of 5 years as you told me I was better than her and chuckled at your insisting you were better looking than my husband. You left me your number numerous times, telling me to use it. I found the videos you sent me of yourself shirtless and working out in your parent’s basement, where I gather you still live, cringe inducing and hilarious at the same time, so did my friends. It was a bit disturbing but still hilarious when after I ignored you, you started sending me angry videos saying things like “You ain’t shit. You think you’re better than me?”. To which my response is, umm yeah I do think I’m better than you, that’s why I left you. 

    Objectively speaking you are in your thirties still have no education, no job skills, still live at your parents house, have a kid you can barely care for, and are basically still chasing the same coke dreams you were chasing 8 years ago while still being in the same exact position you were 8 years ago. I on the other hand am still in my twenties, educated, working, interning, trying to turn my passion into a career, married, moved around the country three times over i.e. not living with my parents, have no kids to worry about, and have plans and goals for the future. I really wish you the best of luck with everything, just nothing involving me.

    Sincerely,

    Your Ex-Girlfriend

  • WORST SEX TOYS I EVER USED

     

    1. The Cone Vibrator

    This thing looks like a torture device but I fell for the marketing and bought one a long time ago. The things huge and made of soft rubber and the whole thing vibrates, but not hard enough. In theory, according to the instruction manual it can be used in multiple positions but the only practical ones I can think of are mounting the damn thing or putting it in your lap upside down. All I can say was this thing barely made me cum, and if I wanted that I’d pick up a guy at a bar not shell out $80 on a vibrator. I wish I could return the damn thing. 

    2. Back Massager

    These things are horrible for so many reasons. Mainly because they’re not designed for clitoral stimulation but I was desperate and it was the only thing around that vibrated. They have two nodes so one has to go near your butt and I find the sensation highly distracting and not pleasurable at all. Also the vibration is way too hard and intense. Didn’t make me cum, thumbs down.

    3. Vibrating Tongue Ring

    Yes I once dated a guy with a tongue ring. It was a shameful part of my teenage past. But he decided to get a vibrating tongue ring for me and it sounded great, again in theory. But the reality of having a guy try to press his tongue up against me while his mouth was buzzing was off putting. Also because it’s so tiny it wasn’t powerful enough of a vibrator to get me off. Not to mention the thing looks like a fucking caterpillar. 

    4. Cheap Jelly Dildos of Any Kind

    These things are literally hazardous for your health. The type of silicone/plastic they’re made with is not safe for your orifices. I’ve heard stories from a pornstar friend about some of them giving you a burning sensation when you put them in your mouth or nether regions. Stay away from these at all costs.

  • SNOOPING

    Going through your significant other’s phone should be considered a cardinal temptation. A few swipes and a world of communications you’re not privy to is in your hands. A simple sentence could hold the power to make or break your relationship. It’s almost like being able to access some form of ultimate truth about a person.

    I asked my Twitter followers what their thoughts on snooping were and it seemed to divide into two camps; the first was you should definitely check your significant other’s phone and the second was that it is a huge breach of trust and if you distrust your significant other to the point where you have to go through their phone you shouldn’t be with them. 

    I’ve been in both camps. I once checked my significant other of 3 years’ phone, found nothing and felt so dumb about it I never did it again. I’ve also had exes go through my phone, Facebook, emails, and even other people’s phones to check my communications with them. Admittedly they found some shady shit, and I was horrified by the violation of privacy. Because of these experiences it’s my current policy to never go through someone else’s phone.

    Going through your significant other’s phone can only end in two ways, you find exactly what you were fearing most, or you receive reassurance and insurance that your partner is faithful at the cost of breaching their privacy.

  • PACKING HEAVY

     

    I’ve always hated packing guides whose mantra was “pack light”. As far as I know, the airline, my car, the taxi driver and bellhop are the ones who are gonna have to deal with the weight of my luggage, not me.  I abhor wearing the same thing twice on a trip. So, I’m not going to tell you to bring a long sleeved white button up to dress up and down for 3 different outfits.I don’t want to wear the same recycled “dress me up or dress me down” outfit with interchangeable shoes and jewelry, it’s boring and there’s a good chance I already spilled tea on my outfit anyway. 

    I’ve honed a different packing philosophy over years of flying cross country, road tripping and packing for months at a time. My packing plan is never to “pack light” it is to be prepared and organized. When I pack my general rule is 2 complete outfits for every day of my trip, a comfy daytime one and a dress to kill option. Do I wear 2 outfits every day? Not always, but the ones that don’t get worn get turned into additional options for the rest of my trip. And I always need options and variety to suit my mood, adjust for weather, and go with the occasion. 

    So once I’ve amassed my outfit selection for my trip, I break it down this way. I take each complete outfit, layer the articles of of clothing going from largest item on bottom to smallest item (underwear/socks) on top and then roll it into a tube. This way it’s real simple, 1 tube = 1 outfit, and it’s the most compact way you can fold your clothes. For bras I take all the bras I need for the trip, stack them and put them in a gallon ziploc, I’ve seen some people fold their bras in half to save space but I don’t like folding my bras, I think it ruins the shape of them. Once I’m done folding all my outfits, I layer all my outfit tubes on the bottom of my trunk, it perfectly fits the uneven slats most rolling trunks have and creates an even surface.

    Shoes are cumbersome to pack and travel with but it’s a far less evil than feeling like an idiot for wearing the wrong shoes with an outfit. I wear the heaviest biggest clunkiest shoes I wanna bring on my trip during the travel period and pack my less space intensive shoes. All shoes go in the shoe bags they came with, if they didn’t come with shoe bags I put them in a clean plastic bag then layer the shoes on top of my outfit tubes.

    I wear a lot of jewelry and accessories and I don’t sacrifice it for travel, I instead use a large plastic weekly pill container to store my baubles. The compartments are the perfect size for rings, stud earrings, necklaces, pendants and tennis style bracelets. Peep a cute example of one here. These unfortunately don’t accommodate certain jewelry like huge hoops, bangles and cuff bracelets. If I must bring that type of jewelry for an outfit I usually just wear it during the travel period and take them off when I get to the hotel. 

    All my sunglasses get taken out of hard cases, put into their respective sunglass bags and get tucked into one of the purses I’m bringing. Since I usually bring multiple purses to coordinate my outfits I usually Russian nestling doll my purses, putting one inside another. I then tuck my jewelry in the innermost purse and put the whole thing into my duffel which I always carry on my person. This means I have the most expensive chunk of my travel items in my possession at all times - precious jewelry, expensive handbags, designer sunglasses. During my wedding trip to Vegas a person accidentally took my trunk off the carousel, fortunately all my valuables were in my carry on so they had no temptation to steal anything, all they had were my clothes and toiletries (I always check toiletries because I bring the full size products I normally use, buying travel size is usually a ripoff).

    Outerwear depends on where you’re going but if you’re heading for cold weather, I usually go with a fur coat and a leather jacket. If you feel silly wearing a fur coat through the airport (I sure as hell didn’t but a lot of white women asked to pet me which was annoying) get an acid free wardrobe box, they sell them at Container Store. It comes with a hanging rack so your fur will be hanging up while traveling.

    This packing method usually ends up with me wearing a ridiculous outfit to and from the airport - fur coat, big clunky boots, big jewelry and whatever else didn’t fit into my bags.

  • 6 EXAMPLES OF THE WORST KINDS OF DUDES ON OKCUPID

    OkCupid has been a weird blessing and curse on my once poppin dating life. Here’s a guide to some of the worst of it and how to avoid ending up screenshotted like these fools.

    EXHIBIT A



    Everything about this guy’s profile screams no to me. Let’s start with the name, Big9Dingo. Have some subtlety, do not talk about your penis in your handle. In fact do not talk about your penis at all in the first conversation unless she’s touching it willingly. Secondly, let’s talk about this hair. This guy clearly read one of those shitty pick up artist books and believes this to be “peacocking”, in reality he looks like Jersey Shore cast member who takes his style cues from Dragon Ball Z. 73% match which I blame on me being from Jersey.

    EXHIBIT B

    I get a lot of openings based on my race because I’m Asian. As annoying and jarring as some messages are it’s an easy way to weed out the racists and fetishists early. Apparently me and this ridiculously racist Australian guy are an 88% match.

    EXHIBIT C


    On some level you gotta respect the bold opening. Telling a girl you just masturbated to her pictures takes a level of honesty most men don’t possess. Of course he’s a suit and tie guy.72% match. Seems legit.

    EXHIBIT D


    I almost feel bad for the amount of stereotypes this guy is trying to defend himself against. But I really don’t understand his need to spell sex, “s3x”.

    EXHIBIT E



    I dunno Luke, your handle is dancingboi4u. That kind of says it all.

    EXHIBIT F



    White guy with dreads in a skirt (ok “kilt” whatever, mandress), fannypack, uggs, face paint, wielding a costume sword. I’m just trying to take in all the details. He looks like a Braveheart extra. And his handle has the word “hippie” in it. No no no.

    EXHIBIT G


    ]

    This rare breed of male is a white man in his fifties wearing a durag cape flowing while taking a selfie. I don’t remember what this guy messaged me because this image was seared into my mind’s eye.

    EXHIBIT F


  • BREAKING DOWN A FUCKBOY'S ENTITLEMENT

    Last week, a guy I have vague recollections of having had textual relations with years ago, contacted me out of the blue. What ensued was one of the most whiny and entitled series of messages I have ever encountered in my internet career. So much so that I felt compelled to share and break it down, because it occurred to me that many idiot men conduct themselves this way without realizing how entitled they are and without regard for a woman’s time.

    Lame dudes, nobody likes it when you play on their phone, it is not cute and you are not funny, It is fucking annoying, and when you factor in that almost all women have been harassed or stalked it’s potentially triggering. If you text a girl that you once gave your number to and she responds “Who is this?” you can safely assume you’ve been deleted from her phone. Everyone’s contacts are backed up these days and we all know “new phone who dis” is a polite lie to tell a number you deleted. If a woman isn’t even bothering to tell you polite lies, you should fuck off immediately. What you should definitely not do, is avoid the question and start making pregnancy jokes. You have to be a fucking idiot to make pregnancy jokes in front of women at all. If you had the capacity to think outside yourself, you might consider that a lot of women find pregnancy terrifying, have had abortions, or traumatically miscarried.

    Another thing you should definitely not do, is once blocked, jump to another platform to contact the person who blocked you. Which of course, is exactly what fuckboys who feel entitled to be heard out, do. This fuckboy in particular decided to go from text to DMing me on Twitter to tell me who he was. I immediately flagged him as spam and his DMs evaporated into the internet abyss before I could screenshot them. Once he lost his ability to text or DM me, he thought it was a good idea to text me from a different number I had yet to block.

    Men who feel entitled to your time and attention have this awful habit of acknowledging your rejection and then thinking that acknowledging it, makes it okay to continue to pester you. Notice how dude claims he understands why I blocked him, YET CONTINUES TO BLATHER ON ABOUT HIMSELF. Let’s get this straight fuckboys, acknowledging your shittiness doesn’t give you a pass to continue being shit. It should, in fact, make you want to reflect and STOP IT. But that would be too much to ask of a fuckboy. A fuckboy isn’t into bettering himself as a human, he’s just into himself, thus he will make excuses for his shittiness (”just out of a 2 year relationship”), and continue to feel entitled to your attention (”if you could just try not to hate me I can still imagine that we are friends”). This fuckboy seriously felt it was okay to harass me across multiple platforms because he felt entitled to being coddled through his breakup. So, I did what any rationally self interested woman would do, I sent him a payment method and blocked his second number. 

    I love telling men who tug on my sleeve for attention, to pay me. It accomplishes one of two things, either they go away, or they pay me. It’s a win for me either way. This desperate fuckboy however, in the throes of self involvement, thought it would be a better move to switch platforms yet again, this time to Tumblr, and continue to message me.

    After basically being told to pay or fuck off, this douche chose neither and instead decided it would be best to explain at length why paying me, a woman whose time he has been wasting by harassing for attention, would be offensive to his fuckboy sensibilities because paying is just not something he does. Mind you, this is a privileged white boy from San Francisco whose family has money. I know this because I recall him talking about his family’s money A LOT. One of the only things I vividly recall about him was he excused not buying me a wishlist gift by saying he’s more the type to buy my entire wishlist rather than just one thing. I clearly remember thinking how embarrassing it was of him to say that. I liken it to a guy pulling up to the valet in a luxury car and not leaving a tip - you’re trying to stunt and portray yourself as generous, but really you’re cheap with no regard for others. 

    Fuckboys and time wasters love this move that I call “Dangle the Carrot”. They mention the only thing you want from them in hopes that it’ll coax you into continuing to deal with them, all while making weak ass excuses about why they can’t or won’t deliver. Their self excusing fuckery is so textbook that it literally follows a formula. In this case, “I would totally cash out all my $$ and assets to you but Mac Dre would turn over in his grave if I paid a bitch”. Oh really fuckboy? You would totally give me everything you have but a dead rapper your rich privileged whiteboy ass idolizes told you not to? Seems legit. 

    He goes onto explain that he won’t pay because the idea of it makes him feel bad. At no point does he stop and consider that he has made me feel bad. At no point does he stop and think that he maybe should pay me as compensation for harassing me for over a week across multiple platforms - wasting my time, energy and attention. Nah, for him, what matters are *his* ~feelings~. His sensitive rich white boy ~feelings~ just won’t let him pay a woman of color that is significantly disenfranchised in comparison to him. Fuck *my* time and energy that he’s wasting, also fuck my economic reality that he’s detrimentally impacting by wasting my time, because y’know, his ~feels~. I’m dumbfounded that a man could spend an entire opening paragraph of a message explaining why he won’t pay you, but then turns right around and asks you to be kind and unblock him so he can continue to have access to you and your content. 

    you know what blows me out of the water about this part? After writing a long ass, self excusing message to a woman who has him blocked across multiple networks, he has the nerve to tack on his empty sorries about my brother onto the end of his message, like the afterthought they are to him. A person of any solid character would’ve either fucked off a long time ago, or opened with a profuse apology that includes how dumb and selfish they feel for harassing me to coddle them through a breakup while my little brother is on trial for attempted murder. But as we know, fuckboys are not persons of solid character, fuckboys gonna fuckboy.